There are days I find myself praying this has all been a bad dream. Between the changes in schools where it is more important to make sure our children feel good about themselves than it is to make sure they learn the curriculum to political derangement syndrome (because it exists on both sides of the aisle), I find myself wondering what happened. What happened to the Can Do! spirit of the “Greatest Generation”? What happened to personal integrity and responsibility? What happened to common sense?
Very rarely has an article made me ask those questions as much as this one — and the one that came before it. I am linking to an archived version of the article because, to be honest, I don’t want to give this poor excuse for a mother one more click than necessary. Yes, I said it. She is a poor excuse for a mother. As the mother of a son, I feel for her two sons and what she is not only teaching them but doing to them.
Here is a woman who begins by calling her sons “strong and compassionate”. Then she goes on to describe how much they aren’t and how badly they have disappointed her. Oh, she tries to cloak it with maternal concern but it is there. This is a woman who wanted daughters and didn’t get them. The fact her sons have penises make them bad from the moment of birth. It is up to them to prove to her they aren’t like every other man.
I have two sons. They are strong and compassionate—the kind of boys other parents are glad to meet when their daughters bring them home for dinner. They are good boys, in the ways good boys are, but they are not safe boys. I’m starting to believe there’s no such thing.
Wow, way to support your kids, Mom. Praise them and then pull the carpet out from under them. They are good but not “safe”. Not that she believes there is such a thing as a safe boy. But wait, maybe she explains why. Surely she explains what a “safe” boy is.
The next paragraph gives us some insight into the mother’s mindset. She is raising her boys in a “rape culture”. Those are her words. Then she goes on to talk about her previous article and how, after it went viral, her boys were suddenly confronted by her words. Their teachers and friends read the article and — gasp — talked about it where her kids could hear.
First of all, she claims she didn’t think her article would garner any real attention. Bullshit. To begin with, she wrote it for The Washington Post. Unless she lives under a rock, she knew she would have potentially thousands of people reading it. But she never thought it would go viral. Bullshit again. The very wording of the article was such that it would inflame in one way or another. I doubt very much she hadn’t hoped for it to go viral and more.
It was one thing to agree to be written about in relative obscurity, and quite another thing to have my words intrude on their daily lives.
Well, duh. Not that she seems to care since — another big DUH! — she is once again writing about her sons in an attempt to justify her position. Poor kids. Mama’s more worried about showing her Woman Card in public than in making sure they are all right.
In the next paragraph, she talks about how her younger son is angry at her. Of course, the son has never said he is. She goes on to say he doesn’t understand why she lumped him together with his older brother in the essay. Of course, he hasn’t said that either I assume. But she knows he is angry and misogynistic. Why? Because he has been visiting conservative websites. “places where he can surround himself with righteous indignation against feminists, and tell himself it’s ungrateful women like me who are the problem.”
Guess what, lady, you are the problem. Not because you’re a feminist. Sorry, Feminist. But because you don’t give a flying fuck about your sons’ emotional welfare. Because you won’t sit down and think before you hit the enter button. You obviously don’t give a damn what your crusade to paint your sons — children you are supposed to love and protect — as evil simply because of their sex. I can only imagine the sort of ridicule you have opened them up to at school and elsewhere. I wouldn’t blame your kids one bit for being “angry” with you.
Hell, lady, I’d be furious and plotting my escape from your grasp as soon as I legally could. I’d even be taking notes and recording everything I could in case there was enough to build a case to bring in CPS to take me away from your sick grasp.
Is it my job as his mother to ensure he feels safe emotionally, no matter what violence he spews?
Once again, she throws out a statement like this — remember her earlier statement about there being no “safe” boys? — without any evidence of what this “violence” might be.
When I hear his voice become defensive, I back off but question whether I’m doing him any favors by allowing his perception of himself to go unchallenged. When I confront him with his own sexism, I question whether I’m pushing too hard and leaving him without an emotional safe space in his home.
Why am I picturing her taking on a passive-aggressive stance where she does anything but back off? If there are any micro-aggressions going on in that home (hell, who am I kidding? Aggressions of any sort), I have a feeling they fall directly at her feet. Dear God, if a child can’t have a safe emotional space in his own home, what hope does he have?
As I said before, I feel for these boys.
As a single mother, I sometimes wonder whether the real problem is that my sons have no role models for the type of men I hope they become.
Thank God. The poor kids have enough to put up with Mommy Dearest.
But when I look around at the men I know, I’m not sure a male partner would fill that hole.
No, because you want to make your sons into daughters and most men, real men, wouldn’t put up with that. They would, however, teach your sons how to be gentlemen who respect women and honor them. But that wouldn’t fit your agenda one bit, would it?
It goes on. Dating is a “necessary evil” because she is starved for adult conversation. I guess she hasn’t figured out that’s what friends are for. You can find friends by joining a church or volunteering, by socializing with people in your neighborhood. But no, you “date” for conversation. Wuh?
Then she comes back to what is blurbed at the top of the article. If feminist men aren’t safe, then what man is? And why? We don’t really know. All she says is this, “But, feminist or not, the men are no different from the men anywhere else….”
What. The. Fuck?
Here is a woman who hates men. She lumps them all together and condemns them simply because they are male. She gives no examples, soft or hard. Then she doesn’t understand why her sons have an issue with what she says. Dear sweet merciful heaven, those kids are so fucked. I can only hope they get out from under her roof as soon as possible.
Keep reading though, just in case your blood pressure hasn’t risen enough. She manages to hit one more hot button for all the right thinking folks out there. She notes that a white person can’t grow up without becoming racist — yep, you read that right. In fact, she said it is “impossible” for a white person to grow up without adopting racist ideas.
But it even gets better. She says her sons and “most” progressive men she knows won’t rape an unconscious woman behind a dumpster. By implication, she means that all non-progressive men and even some progressive men she know WILL rape such a woman. What a sad, sick opinion of people she has.
Here is perhaps the worst thing she says when it comes to her sons: I love my sons, and I love some individual men. It pains me to say that I don’t feel emotionally safe with them, and perhaps never have with a man. . . .
She doesn’t feel “emotionally safe” with her sons?
These are kids. Kids in school She doesn’t claim either of them are abusing her physically or doing anything other than being male. My heart breaks for these boys.
If I had anything to say to them it would be this:
Don’t listen to your mother. You have worth as a person and that worth, or lack of it, isn’t based on your sex. It is based on who you are. Never let anyone denigrate you because of your biological plumbing. And, please, don’t judge all women by what your mother has done to you. Grow up to be loving, caring gentlemen who are proud of yourselves and who respect women. Be your own persons, not the cardboard caricatures your mother is trying to force you to become.
As for the mother, I’d like her to spend a few minutes in the shoes she’s made for her sons. See what life is like for them. Not that it would help. In ten years, she will be wondering why at least one of her sons left home and never talks to her. And no, she will never admit she might have had a hand in it. The cause will be because of the appendage hanging between his legs.
All I can do is think about my son and how proud I am of him. He is a responsible, respectful young man. I think I’ll finish this post and then let him know just that.